Ho Hum

Here I sit all bummed out. I have been fighting the feelings of being depressed all morning. I was driving to work this morning and I normally pick up the cell phone and call a friend but I opted to turn on the radio. The music was good and it helped my mood which at that time was not that bad since I had just gotten up and started my day. I have to hit the road around 7 am so that I dont get stuck in a traffic jam on North Rhett on my way to work. It normally takes me about 35 minutes to get downtown IF I get on the road early enough.
As I was getting off of I-26 the radio announcer was talking about prayer time that they have at 9 am every day with three ministers that are the MC for the event. They spoke about how a lady called in yesterday and asked for prayer for her and her family since they recently lost a child. I am not sure how old the child was or what the circumstances were. Then the announcer went on to say how that caused several other callers to call in and talk about their losses etc. Well, after about 4 minutes of that it caused the feelings I have for our loss of our daughter to cancer to well up. Most of the time those feelings are right under the surface and most days I am able to manage them pretty well and I dont allow them to dictate how I feel. For those of you who are familiar with grief you know what I am talking about.
Today has been a relatively quiet day at work thus far. In some ways that is a good thing but in other ways it is not. When I am busy I dont have time to think about other stuff. I find that when I have too much idle time with my brain that I tend to focus too much on negative stuff. I guess that I am my own worse critic. I am way too hard on myself but sadly enough because of my past and some stupid mistakes I have made we are now suffering the consequences and living through them.
I found myself praying that I would land a permanent job here where I work. I HATE being a temporary employee because there is absolutely no stability in it. Sure, it is nice to come to work each day and if you last for two weeks you will get a pay check. However, it is VERY easy for the employer to drop you like a hot potatoe and they do not have to do anything out of the ordinary other than to say goodbye, been nice knowing you. Then you are out of a job and have to go through the circus of finding a new one all over again while the bills continue to stack up all around you. When I think about this too much it makes me just want to panic. I have faith that God is in control of all of this but I feel that because I have not been smart enough in the past to get my four year degree and all of my certifications that I have put myself and my family in a lose lose situation. That just makes me stupid and lazy folks. How can I be happy about that? I do not like being stupid and lazy but there I am.
Starting this week I decided to start counting calories again and I am using calorie-count.com website to do it. I also started a journal and added some folks as accountability partners to my list of friends so that they can give me pointers and suggestions as well as to encourage me or kick me in the pants when I need it. Thus far this week I have kept my calories around 1700 except for Tuesday when I had 2007 calories. My exercise has consisted of bowling on Monday and Tuesday for 4.5 hours and whatever walking that I do on campus when I make deliveries or go out to find food. I lost one whole pound this week thus far. LOL... I have a 20 lb window that I keep bouncing around in. I will do real good for about a month and lose 20 lbs and then something happens and I find myself putting it right back on. I need to figure out what that something is so I can STOP doing whatever it is.
If it is not thinking about Jessica and how that has screwed up our family in more ways that I can imagine or want to admit then I find myself either thinking about being a fat whale and hating the way I look OR I wind up thinking about how our credit rating is so bad that we can not afford our own home. Let me rephrase that. WE can afford to make some payments on a home but our credit rating sucks so badly that no one will give us a loan without coming up with a minimum of 10k down payment. Most lenders want 10 to 30 percent down AND they want to charge us a super high interest rate on the loan so they can punish us further for our lack of financial integrity. Over and over again I am reminded of how badly we have damaged our credit over the last 16 years and how my having a bad attitude about it and getting depressed to the point of not wanting to do something about it has done even more damage.
Yes, over the last two years we have made some tremendous strides at cleaning it up. Our FICO score is slowly and painfully coming out of the basement but we have a couple of more years to deal with it and get things paid off. We are almost 50 and have not owned our first home yet. I know that we are probably not alone but I am not very happy about it. Then I think that I am planning and working on getting out of debt and raise our FICO score so that we can go back into debt. How messed up is that? LOL...
I know, I know, I have a lot of things to be thankful for and I certainly thank God for those things. I try to focus on those things more than I do the negative things. Unfortunatly only focusing on happy thoughts does not make the negative and sad thoughts or feelings just go away. All I can do is try to manage them on a daily basis and hope that they do not keep me from doing what I need to do in order to survive.



James Moffitt
http://www.lightourworld.com
http://moffittjc.blogharbor.com/blog
james.moffitt@comcast.net