Raising teenagers is like herding cats

I was speaking with my pastor the other day and he said that men’s ministry at church is like herding cats. I had never thought about it that way but I think that he is correct. I also think that raising teenagers are sort of like herding cats as well. I can relate to this as being truth because I have had several cats in the last 20 years. Currently we have a male cat named KC that we adopted from downtown Charleston. I have to say that he is the sweetest most loveable feline that we have ever had. That does not mean that KC is not a typical feline though. I also have a twelve year old son and a fifteen year old daughter.
One of the nice things about our furry cats is that they are pretty self sufficient. They do not require a lot of maintenance. Yes, you have to provide them with four walls, roof and food and a place to do their business. Once those requirements have been met you can liken them to a windup toy. You wind them up, sit back and enjoy the show. Have you ever noticed that a cat is never really bored? That is because they have a mind of their own and they pretty much do whatever they please. Have you ever tried to make a cat roll over or shake hands with you? How about inviting the cat into some nice warm bath water for a bath?
The chances of you getting a cat to do exactly what you want when you want it to would be slim to none. Have you ever tried to get your teenager to do something that you wanted? Teenagers are sort of like cats because they have a mind of their own and they are working overtime to create their own identity in this world. You can talk to teenagers until your tongue falls out of your head but that does not mean that they are really listening or that they will actually take anything to heart.
No two cats are the same and neither are teenagers. It goes without saying that we are all unique and individual creations. The problem with raising teenagers is that you have to find a healthy balance between being a guide, coach, friend and disciplinarian. Several years ago my pastor likened raising kids to that of a basketball coach. You as the parent are the coach/referee and the kids are playing the game of life. It is our job to provide the boundaries and set up the rules of the game. We must over see the game and how it is played and provide life skills guidance so that the kids can learn how to play the game successfully. We must instill upon them a spirit of excellence so that when they play the game the y play it with integrity and put everything they have into it. One of the ways that we do this is to show them how to play the game with our actions. Some parents (coaches) fail at being an effective coach because they spend more time communicating “don’t do as I do but do as I say”. It is very critical that we not only teach the game of life to our teenagers but that we also live what we preach. If we do not do this then we are compromising our integrity and our teenagers will not respect us.
How does playing the game of basketball relate to herding cats? Setting boundaries and teaching life skills can be tricky at best. I can guarantee you that as soon as you set up boundaries the teenagers in your life will not only deny that the boundaries exist but they will also do everything in their power to violate the boundary and then act as if they did not even know where it was. Teaching the rules of the game to your teenager will be lots of fun as well. You teach them the objective of the game and the skills needed to obtain the ultimate goal. In basketball the goal is to stay within the boundaries, do not foul the opponents and put the round ball through the hoop more than the opposing team. The game is simple however the execution of said game is not so simple. In the game of life your goal is to teach your teenager how to be successful in life and be a law abiding, God loving , self sufficient member of society.
At some point you will find yourself in direct opposition to your teenager as they will most certainly challenge your authority to teach them the game of life and they will question your ability to do it to begin with. I have been told that a teenager challenging authority is normal unfortunately if this challenge becomes severe enough you can have a serious case of rebellion on your hands. Thus we come back full circle to learning how to make a cat do what you want despite its apparent efforts to do what it wants instead.
One of the problems with raising teenagers is that you are dealing with an individual with raging hormones and an ever developing emotions and minds. That means that if you force the cat to get into the bath water you could very easily get scratched. What I am saying is that you will find yourself doing a lot of soul searching to examine what you can do within your own heart and mind to prepare yourself to be the best coach that you can possibly be. You cannot wait until your child is 13 years old to establish a loving and respectful relationship with your child. I do not consider myself to be a parenting expert and I have four children ranging from the ages of 12 to 21. I have made my fair share of mistakes but along the way I have learned some very valuable lessons. One of the lessons that I have learned is that I cannot respond to my children the way that my parents raised me. I fully believe that my parents did the best that they could with what limited knowledge that they had at the time but I certainly know that they made some mistakes with me in the area of discipline.
Before you can be a good coach you have to unlearn the garbage from your past. You have to recognize the mistakes for what they were and forgive those that did them to you. Then you have to learn how to do things differently. I can’t tell you how many times that I have caught myself reacting to my children out of anger. I responded to them by reacting out of emotional anger because of a specific thing that they had done or failed to do. The child either directly disobeyed me or they made a mistake because they are a child. We have to remember that our children are going to make mistakes as they learn how to play the game of life. Not only are we supposed to teach them good life skills and live them in front of them as a living example but we are also supposed to be a loving parent that they can turn to when they fail. We cannot expect our children to be perfect because we are imperfect people living in an imperfect world. We live in a performance centric world that gauges our worthiness by our ability to perform and be the best that we can be. Life can be very harsh with regards to failure. Life is not very forgiving for failures that are made and there can be some circumstances to live through because of that failure. Our job as parents is to teach our teenagers how to be successful at failure. It is ok to fail because that is how we learn.
One of the challenges for parents of teenagers is to help our children learn the importance of balancing the many aspects of their very busy lives. As the teenager becomes more and more socially active you will find yourself running ragged as you shuttle them from one event to the next. The problem with that is that while the kids are enjoying the ability to spread their wings and share their individuality with their peers other things can fall between the cracks such as their scholastic goals. I can remember when I was a teenager. I could not wait to become an adult so I could move out of my parent’s house and be a real man. I wanted to do what I wanted to do and I was tired of the parental control. I thought that my parents were blithering idiots and were out of touch with reality. My parents constantly stayed on my case about my grades and told me that my future would be directly affected by my ability to pass classes with good grades. My desire to get good grades had nothing to do with my future but had more to do with making my parents happy and get them off of my back. The mistake that my parents made was that they placed more importance on the consequences of failing them and their expectations vs the consequences of not getting a good college education as a young adult. Currently I am working overtime to find creative ways to convince my children that their future will be directly impacted by their ability to have good grades and further their education past high school.
So my teenagers do not think that dear old dad is out of touch I make sure to use my life and the mistakes that I have made as a living example for them to learn from. That requires a lot of honesty and the willingness to be transparent before your kids. I am hopeful that in doing that I will encourage them to learn from my mistakes and know that there is hope for them especially if they can learn where I went wrong when I was their age.
Raising teenagers or herding cats can be challenging at best but it also can be very rewarding as you watch your young adult spread their wings and learn how to fly in the game of life. Being a coach, referee requires a ton of grace, prayer, patience and faith.





James Moffitt
http://www.lightourworld.com
james.moffitt@comcast.net